Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
