What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
