the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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