DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
