I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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