We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
