I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
