I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
