I wish I could punch you in the face.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Man, jail baloney is awful.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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