my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
