4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
