i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
