this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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