1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
