Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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