I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sext me about skeletons
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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