I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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