I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
