somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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