I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
