o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
