Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
