We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
