Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
