Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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