Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
