I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
