i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
