things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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