It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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