Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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