i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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