i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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