I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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