Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
