Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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