I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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