her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
