Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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