Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
