So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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