I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
