I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
how does that bad decision feel?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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