Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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