you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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