I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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