Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
