Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
