He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You did what with his pubic hair?
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