The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
