I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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