i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
if only i could text you this smell
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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