My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
