Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
