I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
