I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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