My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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