The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
