I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
