Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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