man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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