It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
